08 November 2005

The Winter of My Discontent

Perhaps it is the last five days of grey. Perhaps the fact that the return to Standard Time from Daylight Savings requires me to drive to work during dawn and drive home at dusk. Perhaps it is the migraine that has been developing since 10 o'clock this morning. But I am completely bored with my job. It has gone past the merely 'unfun' stage through the 'only-for-the-paycheck' stage to the mind-numbing, soul-stealing boredom that threatens to become hatred. Actually, my unhappiness has spilled over into hatred several times today. I know that on occasions everyone dislikes their jobs, that nothing can be enjoyable, engaging, or enlightening eternally, however, I don't know that I ever felt any of those things about this job. It isn't just the fault of the job.

I took this job after a year and a half of unemployment following graduating from university. I believe desperate is proper descriptive. And there were lots of benefits to the job. My coworkers, despite their daily amazement that I don't know the inner thoughts of the office printer, are good people who do their jobs and do them well. They enjoy them in a way I don't understand. My job has absolutely nothing to do with my degree, or with any of the four other majors I declared while finding my way through higher education. I took this job as a stop-gap, a means to becoming an independent adult. I thought that I would spend a year figuring out what I want to do with my life while gaining the means to support myself. But in the intervening 22 months I have become more confused, more adrift in a sea of possibilities.

I had considered going back to school to pursue another degree. I even met with some of the local university's advisors, but I was faced with another dilemma. Did I really want to graduate from school and start a new career at the age of 30? Did I want to stay working in this job until I graduate at the age of 30? The majority of the voices in my head think not. Then the minority of the voices ask what else I'm going to do in those intervening years. And silence ensues. Until someone in the office needs me to translate the blinking lights on the office printer.

7 comments:

Panini said...

Oh I'm so sorry. And even though I chose this field...I know all about that hatred and the SOUL-SUCKING. That is an apt description. In my first year here, I told another teacher, "I feel like I'm literally wilting...that everything special about me is dying in the job."

oh I wish I had words of wisdom...all I can say is; yes...exactly.

Esperanza said...

No shame in taking "Life Part II", doing it myself, although, sometimes it feels like, Life Part, XXVI !

aquamarine said...

Reinventing myself as we speak. I feel like I am always looking for that one thing but trying everything else instead. It is hard to find the balance between passions and life. Someday I think we will both find that passion is our life. It is hard not to let "me" get buried under all of my priorities and duties.

keep searching though! Inspiration always seems to sneak in the back door.

Cheri said...

You should write for TWoP.
You're a great writer, your blogs say so.

Miss Parker said...

First of all, I love that you used 'stop-gap' in your blog. Secondly, girl, you need to write (and this is a good start). The novel, the screenplay, the short story, the article, the essay collection--whatever. Which you hear often, but only because it's true. And so what if you didn't apply for school this semester? That's the thing with (re)education--it's always there for you to take the plunge. I should take my own advice, I know...

Scully said...

Thanks for the support! And stop-gap has been a favorite word ever since the stupid writing tutor I was forced to go to for a class told me it wasn't a word. And then back-pedaled about it when I sent in his evaluation. Stupidhead!

cheri said...

Yes the stop-gap incident. I too chuckled as I read this word.