27 December 2006

The Best Christmas Present Ever

I got this lovely t-shirt from Santa and I have to say, even with the digital camera and the Cary Grant box set, it was the most exciting present I got. As most of you readers know, I'm obsessed with The Office. It is one of the few TV shows I have to own on DVD as soon as it is released. Thus the squeal of joy Christmas morning when I opened this. It is, as you can probably tell, a bit big. Actually about two sizes too big. I was a little concerned about that until I realized I could just pretend it is Jim Halpert's shirt. And that is what made this the best Christmas present ever!

18 December 2006

Malignant Headspace

What does it say about where my head is at that I just had to convince myself NOT to write a not of apology about changing the picture on my blog? Because I had commented on Miss Nemesis's excellent post about feminism and how people relate to that word, especially people who share our faith. Anyway, a later commentor said they liked the old picture (of the real Agent Scully) better than the new picture. And they spelt it 'Skully' not 'Scully'. So why was my first response to write a note of apology to a perfect stranger who didn't even spell my screen name properly, because they didn't like the new picture of a snake eating it's own tail? Especially considering said apology would have been posted on someone else's blog space and had nothing to do with the excellent post to which it would have been attached. Also, why was my first instinct to explain exactly why I had chosen that picture? Because I did choose it for a reason. It comes from an episode of The X-Files in which Scully gets the image tattooed on her back because she feels it represents her life and how she keeps going in circles rather than moving forward. And that is how I feel. So why should I feel I have to justify my decision to a perfect stranger who may or may not read my blog? Or, more precisely, why do I allow a perfectly innocuous comment from a stranger to cause me to second guess my sense of identity?

13 December 2006

Keep 'Em Separated

I have a confession to make: I am a Christmas music segregationist. Either the song is religious or secular and never the twain shall meet. The artist should sing about snowmen and jingle bells and Santa Claus or it is about the Nativity and the Holy Night and angels singing to shepards. There shouldn't be any inter-mixing of topics. Which is why the following is my least favorite Christmas song (I do not recognize any Christmas song written after 1970):

Here Comes Santa Claus (Right Down Santa Claus Lane)
(Words & music by Autry - Haldeman)

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus Lane.

Vixen, Blitzen, all his reindeer
Pulling on the reins.
Bells are ringing, children singing,
All is merry and bright.
Hang your stockings and say a prayer,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus Lane.

He's got a bag that's filled with toys
For boys and girls again.
Hear those sleigh bells jingle jangle,
What a beautiful sight.
Jump in bed and cover up your head,
Because Santa Claus comes tonight.

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus Lane.

He doesn't care if you're a rich or poor boy,
He loves you just the same.
Santa knows that we're God's children,
That makes everything right.
Fill your hearts with Christmas cheer,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Well, here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus,
Right down Santa Claus Lane.

He'll come around when the chimes ring out
'It's Christmas morn again.'
Peace on Earth will come to all
If we just follow the light
Let's give thanks to the Lord above,
'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

'Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!

I have never understood why we should be giving prayers of thanks for Santa Claus's impending visit, rather than the actual Christmas miracle. Secondly, what exactly does Santa knowing "that we're God's children" make right? And why does anything Santa do have to be made right? Finally, what light are we supposed to follow? Is it a religious light or is it the light of Rudolph's nose? Every spiritual reference in that song is murky and makes the whole song a little sinister, at least in my mind. Any Christmas songs you readers find worrisome, disturbing, or just plain bad?

11 December 2006

White Out

Last night Miss Parker and I went to Z & Mr. Conservative's house so Parker could take their Christmas card photo and for dinner. As we were driving the rain turned into the biggest snowflakes I had seen in my life. Luckily we were just a few minutes from their home, but when we left several hours later, everything had a layer of white concealing it and the clouds and fog were so thick that you couldn't see very far in any direction. Luckily it hadn't frozen and the drive home was fine, but I did begin to feel a little claustrophobic. I like to see where I'm going and I like to be able to see the horizon but it usually takes a few days of this kind of weather for it to bug me. Today I realized why it was bothering me so much, so soon. This entire fall, I have felt hemmed in by life. I'm exhausted by the never-ending circle of logic my head goes through when I think about the future. I'm exhausted by the infinite number of 'what-ifs' and the general trend of reality being worse than I could possibly imagine. I'm exhausted by the cheery facade I keep up so that no one has to worry about me and can cross me of their list of people for whom they are concerned. I'm exhausted by the fact that I still think about a job I hated and haven't had for three months. I'm exhausted by the insomnia I can't conquer. I'm exhausted by the job search, when I apparently have no skills anyone needs or wants. And I'm really, really exhausted by a future that appears to hold nothing good in store. What I need right now is to be able to see some sort of light through the fog, but so far, no such luck.

07 December 2006

Is it wrong . . .

that I want to see The Holiday simply because part of it is set in England? Oh, and Kate Winslet is in it.

04 December 2006

Is It Opposite Day?

This is my horoscope for today:
September 22 - October 22
In future years, you could remember today as one of the best days of your life, dear Libra. Romance should be going beautifully as you exchange deeply felt words of love with your partner. The future looks bright, and you should be full of enthusiastic plans for pursuing what you really want to do. Also, you should be feeling especially strong, energetic, healthy, and ready to try just about anything. A journey may be coming up soon. Have fun!
And the possibility that this could be the best day of my life is the saddest joke ever. Because today was the day that I woke up with the knowledge that karma hates me. That it, or fate, or whatever you want to call it is actively trying to make me miserable. And then to turn on the computer and see that horoscope, just like pouring lemon juice on a paper cut.

First of all, there is no romance in my life. My last date was years - yes, years - ago and I am apprently such a loser that a woman in my home ward is telling my mother that she should introduce me to the new 48 year-old single dad of 15 year-old twins who just moved into said ward. Hello? The man is two decades older than I am!

Secondly, I woke up with a stuffy nose, a headache, and a scratchy throat and spent most of the day just trying to stay warm. So, no energy, health, or adventure-seeking around here today.

And finally, I have no plans for the future because I am unemployed and can't afford to have any plans past the vague edict 'Must find job.' The only possibility of a journey I can see is moving home with my tale between my legs because I am, apparently, unemployable. So yeah, it must be opposite day.

01 December 2006

Better Late Than Never

I realize it is December 1st and that Thanksgiving has come and gone, but since I spent most of Thanksgiving weekend focused on what I didn't have rather than what I did, I thought I would spend December being grateful for all the good things in my life. So today, I am grateful for reality. Yes, you read that correctly. I am grateful for reality. Today. Most days I am not. Most days begin with me saying out loud, to myself and possibly my alarm clock, 'Five more minutes,' at least twice because I don't want to face reality.

To fully explain today's gratitude for reality, I first have to start with an unsettling confession. Recently I have begun to think of having children as something I want to do. To do in the near future, not as some random possibility in the long-term. Maybe it is because my ovaries, after 17 years of wasted output, have suddenly begun to fear there will be a shortage of supplies and are sending random hormones surging through my system, butI have begun to coo over babies. Whatever the reason, rather than squealing 'EW!' and turning the channel when I happen upon TLC's A Baby Story, I pause and think, 'How lovely.' Well, the actual childbirth isn't lovely, but the newborn baby is. Thus, one of the things I was mentally complaining about during Thanksgiving: dying alone and being eaten by Alsatians.

Which brings us to today. I have been baby-sitting a lot lately for my friend Z, as she and her husband Mr. Conservative bought a new house and are doing all the labor-intensive moving and cleaning of the old house etc. So Wednesday night and today I baby-sat for Jr. while Z and Mr. Conservative got that last vestiges of furniture, dirt, and dust out of their old house. Jr. is 17 months old and absolutely delightful. We have fun driving cars off the back of the couch, rough-housing, and playing his favorite game, Empty-and-Fill the CD Rack. Usually I only watch Jr. for a couple of hours at a time, but today he was here for almost four. So the fun was interrupted by a rather foul dirty diaper. So foul, in fact, that I have been burning candles and Febreezing for several hours, but still think I smell it. If it weren't two million degrees below zero, I would open all the windows. And that my friends, is a reality for which I am thankful. Dirty diapers and not having enough hands, and the sheer exhaustion of being responsible for another human being makes me realize that possibly I'm not ready for that kind of commitment right now and also, thank goodness I'm not a single mom. Even if Jr.'s reddish hair and blue eyes make everyone around here think I am.