11 December 2006
Last night Miss Parker and I went to Z & Mr. Conservative's house so Parker could take their Christmas card photo and for dinner. As we were driving the rain turned into the biggest snowflakes I had seen in my life. Luckily we were just a few minutes from their home, but when we left several hours later, everything had a layer of white concealing it and the clouds and fog were so thick that you couldn't see very far in any direction. Luckily it hadn't frozen and the drive home was fine, but I did begin to feel a little claustrophobic. I like to see where I'm going and I like to be able to see the horizon but it usually takes a few days of this kind of weather for it to bug me. Today I realized why it was bothering me so much, so soon. This entire fall, I have felt hemmed in by life. I'm exhausted by the never-ending circle of logic my head goes through when I think about the future. I'm exhausted by the infinite number of 'what-ifs' and the general trend of reality being worse than I could possibly imagine. I'm exhausted by the cheery facade I keep up so that no one has to worry about me and can cross me of their list of people for whom they are concerned. I'm exhausted by the fact that I still think about a job I hated and haven't had for three months. I'm exhausted by the insomnia I can't conquer. I'm exhausted by the job search, when I apparently have no skills anyone needs or wants. And I'm really, really exhausted by a future that appears to hold nothing good in store. What I need right now is to be able to see some sort of light through the fog, but so far, no such luck.