11 December 2006

White Out

Last night Miss Parker and I went to Z & Mr. Conservative's house so Parker could take their Christmas card photo and for dinner. As we were driving the rain turned into the biggest snowflakes I had seen in my life. Luckily we were just a few minutes from their home, but when we left several hours later, everything had a layer of white concealing it and the clouds and fog were so thick that you couldn't see very far in any direction. Luckily it hadn't frozen and the drive home was fine, but I did begin to feel a little claustrophobic. I like to see where I'm going and I like to be able to see the horizon but it usually takes a few days of this kind of weather for it to bug me. Today I realized why it was bothering me so much, so soon. This entire fall, I have felt hemmed in by life. I'm exhausted by the never-ending circle of logic my head goes through when I think about the future. I'm exhausted by the infinite number of 'what-ifs' and the general trend of reality being worse than I could possibly imagine. I'm exhausted by the cheery facade I keep up so that no one has to worry about me and can cross me of their list of people for whom they are concerned. I'm exhausted by the fact that I still think about a job I hated and haven't had for three months. I'm exhausted by the insomnia I can't conquer. I'm exhausted by the job search, when I apparently have no skills anyone needs or wants. And I'm really, really exhausted by a future that appears to hold nothing good in store. What I need right now is to be able to see some sort of light through the fog, but so far, no such luck.

6 comments:

Esperanza said...

I know the feeling, okay, I know you hate it when people say that, I don't know that--exact--feeling and it sounds awful! But I have worked endless hours in going-nowhere jobs wondering when my life was really supposed to take off and it stinks, it really, really does.

aquamarine said...

Scully, this sounds so horrible and frustrating! I agree with E~this just stinks. I am praying with all my heart that some ray of sunshine peeks through all this gloom that is happening to you.

Scully said...

Thanks you guys! I actually feel much better today. I found a sleep aid and actually got a full night's sleep, no tossing and turning, no waking up every couple of hours - what a difference it makes! And I had random songs from 'White Christmas' stuck in my head all morning. If that doesn't cheer you up, I don't know what can!

Anonymous said...

Oh no, sweetie. I'm sorry. I know exactly what you mean, and it's not like anyone else's advice can really shake you out of feeling like that. But I'm glad that today seems a little bit better!!!

Panini said...

word on everthing. -especially the endless circles of logic. I've been thinking about an over-the-counter sleep aid . . . in fact, it's on my list of things to buy. Would that drugs could solve everything. :)

Miss Parker said...

Word. Sweet tat.

There. Was. A. DENT!!