Black Cats, Beautiful Brits, Bridal Showers, Baby Showers, and Mental Breakdowns

I realized it has been nearly a week since I last wrote. The week has been average, same-old, same-old. The only difference was the sense of rising panic that I wasn't enough. Since my mother died I have been trying to keep things up. Keep the house up, keep the yard up, keep my father's spirits up, keep my spirits up, keep both of us getting up walking in the mornings (5am is so early!) keeping appearances up, so the ghoulish mother and son who lost their husband and father a year ago won't keep intrusively asking us how we are doing and then reiterating How. Hard. It. Is. every single Sunday morning as we walk into church. (Also, I get the psychostalker vibe from the mother, as in she thinks I should befriend her son, who is clearly inappropriate in age, activity, and so many other ways it isn't even funny.) Basically I have been trying to keep everything afloat. And falling very, very short.

Lately I have felt I just don't have the answers. I don't have the answer to when I want to eat dinner, I don't have the answer as to why the waffles didn't work, and I don't have any answers about remodeling. I have no answers at work. I have no answer to ChattyCathy's repetitive questions about why she can't get past her two-timing toolbag of an ex. I have no answers as to why I keep making indexing mistakes. I have no answer as to why I can't remember all the procedures for recording or why a legal description disappeared between the Treasurer's office and the Auditor's office, thus insuring we have to re-record the transaction. I have no answers in my personal life. I have no answer to give at bridal showers or baby showers when people start talking about or giving advice about sex or breastfeeding and then look at me all apologetic or startled since I am the only single person in the group and have never experienced either, like I shouldn't be hearing the conversation. The best I can do is excuse myself and hope I'm not being rude and leaving too early.

So Sunday morning, far too early in the morning, I was attempting to make my mother's recipe for roast and had to go out to the freezer in the garage for a roast, I was confronted with a neighbor's cat, a cat who acts more like a dog, who has been increasingly lonely since her owner has been in and out of town for the past several weeks. She was just lonely and wanted someone to show her some affection, but I had none. I almost shouted "I can't help you! I don't have any answers!" and slammed the screen door shut before she could get into the house. Of course I proceeded to feel guilty about it all day because one shouldn't take all one's frustrations out on a poor, lonely animal.

I managed to get dinner ready, my lesson finished, and myself dressed in time to get to church. I coldly ignored the Ghoulish Duo's inviting smiles and sat down. I had to teach a lesson on the importance of the Sacrament later, but instead of contemplating it and the lesson, I managed to have another minor breakdown, totally unrelated to anything, about how I would die alone and subsequently eaten by Alsatians. Then I threw an internal temper tantrum because I DO NOT want to wait until I'm 50 to marry some widower, even if he is an Apostle. It was basically a Vercua Salt "I want It NOW!" moment combined with complete and utter hopelessness. Which means that I was NOT in the mood to go help in Nursery, which I had forgotten I volunteered for until the Nursery leader called at 9 o'clock Saturday night and I was definitely NOT in the mood to discuss whether the spots on a little boy's face was eczema or something contagious. I definitely did NOT have the Spirit with me while teaching my girls about the Sacrament. Which meant that, combined with the fact that most of the girls had just returned from a three-day long pioneer trek the afternoon before and totally exhausted, the lesson was a complete and utter disaster.

So I did the only thing one can do after a morning like that and slept for 4 hours. Which meant I definitely couldn't sleep and thus stayed up watching the PBS Mystery! presentation of Miss Marple: Nemesis followed by finally getting around to the DVDs of North & South that Esperanza and Miss Nemesis both strongly recommended. I had to turn it off after the first hour, otherwise I would have been up ALL night. There is nothing better than a beautiful, fictional, British man simmering with proper pride, rectitude, and repressed desire. It is a magnificent drug. Although the last lines of Episode One almost sent me back to tears. Here they are for your reading pleasure. I have no idea if they are in the actual book, as my local library doesn't actually have the book. I will have to request it.

I wish I could tell you, Edith, how lonely I am, how cold and harsh it is here. Everywhere there is conflict and unkindness. I think God has forsaken this place. I believe I've seen hell. It's white. It's snow white.