27 January 2006

My Deepest, Darkest Secrets.

Well, at least the deepest, darkets secrets I'm willing to share. WalkingFineArt tagged me with divulging 5 things no one knows about me. You might already know some or all of these things, but don't tell me that. I like to believe I'm a Woman of Mystery!

5. Vampire Nightmares. I have been plagued by vampire nightmares since the beginning of junior high. I can remember most, if not all, in great detail even though I have never written them down. They are burned in my memory. And they are always extremely vivid dreams in both detail and color. I am always being pursued, most often while trying to defend myself and whomever I am with in the dream. Usually I lose a compatriate or two to the other side. And if, by chance, the point comes where I have lost and am about to become the victim, the dream stops and starts over at the beginning. It repeats until I figure out how to beat and destroy the vampires. It adds up to quite a few sleepless nights over the years.

4. Jealousy. I am an extremely jealous person. I'm jealous regarding friendships, relationships, the use of my time, my money, and my things. If I offer, then I'm fine, but when people use or abuse or expect something from me I consider outside their right, I can be extremely upset. I try very hard not to act on my feelings, but I have them nonetheless.

3. Fear. A lot of my behaviors are driven by fear. I fear the unknown, which means that basically everyday I have to make myself get out of bed when I would much rather stay in it. The smaller my world, the happier I would be. I read an article in the New York Times a few years ago about a growing trend among Japanese men in their 20s and 30s. They were becoming 21st century hermits, often living with their parents, sticking to their bedrooms, not even interacting with even parents or family, and having food left outside their rooms at meal times. Often they would only emerge from their inner sanctums in the middle of the night when everyone was asleep to wander the streets. Their only connections to the outside world was television and the internet. The article scared me into thinking a little more about branching out and facing some fears. Not too many, but some.

2. Relationships. I have always thought relationships with the opposite sex were too fraught with drama and complication to be bothered with. In high school I had crushes, but usually with the unavailable or the prohibited. I liked the idea of someone better than the actual someone. I'm still that way, in that my life has enough ups and downs and enough complications that I think adding someone else, an unknown factor, just seems like a straw that would break this camel's back. In all my mental excursions to FantasyLand, regardless of what TV boyfriends populate them, I usually end the adventure alone.

1. The Real Me. I am extremely introspective and I think best in metaphor, which I conjur to apply to experiences and people. The metaphor I apply to myself is one of a multi-walled enclosure. There are many walls, each with a locked gate. My family, friends, and acquaintances all have keys that open gates, but only so many. The people very closest to me have keys that open the most, but everyone has a stopping point, a level at which they can no longer pass. And I'm not really sure who gets in the most center gate. That just might stay locked forever.

Miss Parker, you're it.


Miss Parker said...

My turn?? Ok...might not be til Monday though. Lemme think...

aquamarine said...

Bravo, Scully, you had me totally mystified. I hate being chased in dreams but to have it occur again, sheesh, I would become an insomniac.

Esperanza said...

You should write a book about all of your vampire dreams...you could probably make a million! Also, my mom is reading a book for her book club that talks about characteristics of generations and how they are cyclical and how they are different and what not; well, generation X which is us is extrememly concerned/fear with money, disease, society's disorders, so the fear part, seems to be a generational thing...who knows! Good blog, p.s.

Scully said...

What is the name of the book, E? It sounds like an interesting read.