So, I Had To Speak In Church On Mother's Day

About Eve. And motherhood. It was an unexpected request. So I gave an unorthodox talk. I thought I would share.

            I’m here to testify that the Lord knows and loves us because I only get asked to speak in church on the Sundays when I would be sitting on the back row feeling grumpy and grumbly and instead of leaving me to my grumpy, grumbly, fallen, natural-man self, He lovingly inspires others to ask me to research a doctrine and prepare a talk on the subject. So here I am, speaking about Eve and motherhood on Mother’s Day.

            Now, for most of the women in my family and a lot more friends, Mother’s Day is a difficult day, a day where we sit in the pews feeling grumpy and grumbly. For those of you who have never felt that way, allow me to explain. Mother’s Day was difficult for my mom because her relationship with her mother, who could be a difficult and mercurial woman, didn’t always match the ideal that was presented at church. Mother’s Day is difficult for my aunt and I who both lost mothers by the time we were 30 and still generally resent that fact. Mother’s Day is difficult for single women and women who struggle with infertility or other circumstances that keep them from having children. Mother’s Day is difficult for women who are conflicted or ambivalent about motherhood, their role as mothers or their ability to be mothers. Mother’s Day is difficult for mothers whose children, whether momentarily or over years, use their agency in ways that hurt or cause pain. Mother’s Day is difficult for single moms who feel that they can never do enough or be enough.

            So, why is this day, set aside to celebrate women and mothers, causing so much angst? Well, for starters, in celebrating Mother’s Day, especially in our Church, tend to talk about motherhood only in the ideal, the glorified, the perfect form. And as we women listen to multiple talks on the ideal, glorified, celestial calling of motherhood, we see fewer and fewer connections to the realities of womanhood and motherhood that we experience. What is the disconnect? I think the disconnect comes because we forget to talk about one very crucial aspect of motherhood, of parenthood. That it only came about, only could come about, through The Fall, the exit from the idyllic Eden to the telestial and fallen world. Elder Oaks, in a talk given in 1993, spoke about this in much more eloquent terms than I can, so I will quote him:

            To the first man and woman on earth, the Lord said, “Be fruitful, and multiply” (Moses 2:28; see also Gen. 1:28; Abr. 4:28). This commandment was first in sequence and first in importance. It was essential that God’s spirit children have mortal birth and an opportunity to progress toward eternal life. Consequently, all things related to procreation are prime targets for the adversary’s efforts to thwart the plan of God.

            When Adam and Eve received the first commandment, they were in a transitional state, no longer in the spirit world but with physical bodies not yet subject to death and not yet capable of procreation. They could not fulfill the Father’s first commandment without transgressing the barrier between the bliss of the Garden of Eden and the terrible trials and wonderful opportunities of mortal life.

            For reasons that have not been revealed, this transition, or “fall,” could not happen without a transgression—an exercise of moral agency amounting to a willful breaking of a law (see Moses 6:59). This would be a planned offense, a formality to serve an eternal purpose. The Prophet Lehi explained that “if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen” (2 Ne. 2:22), but would have remained in the same state in which he was created.

            “And they would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin” (2 Ne. 2:23). (Dallin H. Oaks, “The Great Plan of Happiness”, October 1993)

The Fall, entering the world in which we live, was a necessary step for parenthood, for motherhood.

            Now, before we continue discussing The Fall, Eve, and motherhood, let’s define some terms. Elder Oaks goes on in his talk to discuss the difference between a sin and a transgression.

“This suggested contrast between a sin and a transgression reminds us of the careful wording in the second article of faith: “We believe that men will be punished for their own sins, and not for Adam’s transgression” (emphasis added). It also echoes a familiar distinction in the law. Some acts, like murder, are crimes because they are inherently wrong. Other acts, like operating without a license, are crimes only because they are legally prohibited. Under these distinctions, the act that produced the Fall was not a sin—inherently wrong—but a transgression—wrong because it was formally prohibited. These words are not always used to denote something different, but this distinction seems meaningful in the circumstances of the Fall.” (Dallin H. Oaks, “The Great Plan of Happiness”, October 1993)

As I was reading this, an example popped into my head that helped me understand this a bit better. A few times a week, I leave work to go buy lunch. To do so, I generally drive on Cornwall. Now, if I leave my office anytime between noon and 1, the speed limit on a certain section of the road is 20 mph because it is a school zone. If I leave after 1, the speed is 25 mph. Going 25mph on that stretch of road between the hours of noon and 1 is NOT inherently wrong. It is, however, formally, legally prohibited because of the circumstances. Partaking of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil was not inherently wrong. It was formally prohibited because of Adam and Eve’s circumstances. Just as driving 25mph instead of 20mph on that stretch of Cornwall between noon and 1pm comes with considerable consequences, partaking of the fruit had both immediate and eternal consequences.

            Adam and Eve had been told what those consequences were. The consequence would be the Fall; they would exit the transitional state of the Garden of Eden and enter mortality. Only in mortality could they keep the first commandment of parenthood. Motherhood, although a pre-Fall commandment, could only come about through the Fall. So, ladies and gentlemen, thinking that parenthood or motherhood exists in a glorified celestialized vacuum to which none of us are measuring up is NOT doctrine. It is a tool of the Adversary. The same Adversary that beguiled Eve by lying about some of the consequences of partaking of the fruit. By partaking of the fruit, Adam and Eve were in fact subject to death, both temporal and spiritual. It was not a fact or a consequence that could be escaped. The Adversary knew this, but, being the Father of Lies, presented Eve with an alternate story. How much that story influenced Eve, we do not know. We know only that she stated she was beguiled. We do know, however, how she responded to results of partaking of the fruit. In Moses 5:11-12 we read:

 11 And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.

 12 And Adam and Eve blessed the name of God, and they made all things known unto their sons and their daughters.

What, in the face of the Fall, of guaranteed hardship, temporal death, and possibly permanent spiritual death, caused Eve so much joy?

            Her joy came from her recognition of the wonderful, miraculous, life-saving act of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Her joy was in her Savior and Redeemer. President Eyring, in the General Women’s Meeting in March stated:

“By revelation, Eve recognized the way home to God. She knew that the Atonement of Jesus Christ made eternal life possible in families. She was sure, as you can be, that as she kept her covenants with her Heavenly Father, the Redeemer and the Holy Ghost would see her and her family through whatever sorrows and disappointments would come. She knew she could trust in Them.” (Henry B. Eyring, “Daughters in the Covenant” March 2014)

Eve knew whom she could trust and on whom she could rely in times of difficulty. She knew her Heavenly Father and she knew her Savior. She knew whom her children needed to be instructed to trust and on whom they needed to learn to rely. She and Adam taught their children about the Atonement and showed their children by example how to live as a disciple. Even with that kind of teaching and example, a portion of their children chose to follow The Adversary. Unable to eternally undo Adam and Eve, the Father of Lies went after their children in his continuing and futile quest to thwart our Heavenly Father’s plan.

            So, how do we as women and mothers in the 21^st century follow Eve’s example? First and foremost we need to recognize that motherhood will be hard. It is not a series of beautiful Hallmark moments that end with a fully formed perfect adult child or children. It is a very real and continued struggle with the Adversary. We need to recognize that and talk about that. We all have struggles relating to our roles as women and mothers and I personally believe that one of Satan’s greatest tools is in telling us that those struggles are failures and that we don’t measure up as sisters and as disciples of Christ. We need to recognize the inherent necessity and importance of those struggles in our progression as spiritual beings on a path to eternal life. We need not shy away from sharing what we have learned and are learning because of those struggles. We cannot sit in Relief Society meetings, with our visiting teachers, with our friends, and continue to act as though struggles equal inadequacy and unrighteousness. We need to, instead, share how those struggles are bringing us to Jesus Christ, how we are seeing the Atonement active in our lives daily. If our struggles are leading us in the opposite direction, we need to ask for help. We need to listen to the testimonies of the women around us to buoy us up, as examples of the daily battle and daily conquering of the Adversary through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

            In keeping with that, I will share a struggle. As a single 35 year-old childless woman whose own mother is on the other side of the veil, life can be difficult. Being a member of church whose main doctrines are about family and parenthood can easily lead to me sitting on the back pew feeling grumpy and grumbly. The Adversary actively bombards me with ideas that lead to feelings of invisibility, of abandonment, of inadequacy, and of doubt in myself and my worthiness. I could choose to listen, to wallow, and to sit there feeling sorry for myself and abandoned by my God. However, that choice would be in direct opposition to the one Eve made when partaking of the fruit. She chose faith, she chose determination, and she chose to face the Adversary head-on with the enabling and sustaining power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I should do no less.

            In a talk on motherhood, which must have been a tender and difficult subject, Sister Sheri Dew said:

“Eve set the pattern. In addition to bearing children, she mothered all of mankind when she made the most courageous decision any woman has ever made and with Adam opened the way for us to progress. She set an example of womanhood for men to respect and women to follow, modeling the characteristics with which we as women have been endowed: heroic faith, a keen sensitivity to the Spirit, an abhorrence of evil, and complete selflessness. Like the Savior, “who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross,” 11 Eve, for the joy of helping initiate the human family, endured the Fall. She loved us enough to help lead us.

As daughters of our Heavenly Father, and as daughters of Eve, we are all mothers and we have always been mothers. And we each have the responsibility to love and help lead the rising generation. How will our young women learn to live as women of God unless they see what women of God look like, meaning what we wear, watch, and read; how we fill our time and our minds; how we face temptation and uncertainty; where we find true joy; and why modesty and femininity are hallmarks of righteous women? How will our young men learn to value women of God if we don’t show them the virtue of our virtues?

Every one of us has an overarching obligation to model righteous womanhood because our youth may not see it anywhere else. Every sister in Relief Society, which is the most significant community of women on this side of the veil, is responsible to help our young women make a joyful transition into Relief Society. This means our friendship with them must begin long before they turn 18. Every one of us can mother someone—beginning, of course, with the children in our own families but extending far beyond. Every one of us can show by word and by deed that the work of women in the Lord’s kingdom is magnificent and holy. I repeat: We are all mothers in Israel, and our calling is to love and help lead the rising generation through the dangerous streets of mortality.” (Sheri L. Dew, “Are We Not All Mothers?”, October 2001)

We are all mothers in Israel. We need to ask the Lord for inspiration and strength in how that manifests in our lives. For me, part of following Eve’s example and mothering in Israel is preparing and giving this talk. It is daily striving to be an example of Jesus Christ. It is testifying to nieces and nephews, to the children of friends, to my sisters in Relief Society and to the world at large that the Atonement of Jesus Christ brings peace and strength. It is kicking to the curb the feelings of inadequacy, invisibility, and abandonment when they arise. It is putting my trust in my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It is being kind to those I come in contact with at work who are angry and cruel. It is teaching the students I meet as a substitute and in summer school about actions and consequences, about agency, about living and acting to their fullest potential. It is saying yes to speaking in church when I really want to sit on the back pew being grumpy and grumbly. It is searching and fighting for the celestial in a telestial world. It is daily waking up and preparing myself to take on the Adversary.

            Eve, in choosing to partake of the fruit and joyfully accepting the consequences of the Fall, gave us an example of motherhood and womanhood that should inspire us to arm ourselves in the armor of God and move forward in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We need to act as righteous women. To move forward in faith. To join the ranks of the noble and great ones who daily accessed the Atonement of Jesus Christ to take on the Adversary that wants us to sit on the back pew being grumpy and grumbly and miserable. We cannot let him win.

RESOURCES

Beck, Julie B., “A ‘Mother Heart.’”, April 2004, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2004/04/a-mother-heart?lang=eng&query=motherhood

Dew, Sheri L., “Are We Not All Mothers?”, September 2001, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2001/10/are-we-not-all-mothers?lang=eng&query=eve

Dew, Sheri L., “It Is Not Good for Man or Woman to Be Alone.”, October 2001, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2001/10/it-is-not-good-for-man-or-woman-to-be-alone?lang=eng&query=eve

Eyring, Henry B., “Daughters in the Covenant.”, March 2014, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/04/daughters-in-the-covenant?lang=eng&query=eve

Faust, James E., “What t Means to Be a Daughter of God.”, September 1999, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1999/10/what-it-means-to-be-a-daughter-of-god?lang=eng&query=eve

Jensen, Virgina U., “Ripples”, September 2000, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2000/10?lang=eng

Nelson, Russell M., “Lessons from Eve.”, October 1987, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1987/10/lessons-from-eve?lang=eng&query=eve

Oaks, Dallin H., “The Great Plan of Happiness.”, October 1993, https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1993/10/the-great-plan-of-happiness?lang=eng&query=eve

My Two Cents . . .

are not going to Scouting.

On Sunday, at the beginning of the Relief Society meeting, it was announced that class would end early to make time for a special announcement. I felt this was an odd announcement, seeing as how the time it would take to talk about the special announcement could just as easily be taken at the beginning of class. I decided it might just be something they were leading up to with the lesson or that it was supposed to be super inspirational and they wanted to end on a high note. Imagine my surprise when the ward's Scouting specialist got up to make a spiel about the Friends of Scouting program and to ask for donations because Scouting is expensive. 

Now, I think Scouting is a fine program. My brother liked it, my dad is his stake's go-to Scouting guy, and I think it does a lot of good. However, as I listened to the continuing plea for funds by this woman and, ultimately,  her testimony of the Scouting program, I got angry. I realized that even if I had more than two cents to spare, I would not be giving it to the Friends of Scouting. Initially, I was not going to publicize my decision, but then I read this entry at the Tumblr site AmenAlready (which is a site guaranteed to make me laugh daily and also make me think about my assumptions. For reals.) and decided I needed to say something.

I got angry listening to the extolling of Scouting's benefits and the plea for funds not because it isn't a good program but because as a girl growing up, and as a woman in the Church today, it often feels that the Scouting program is run at the expense of the girls and young women of the Church. For example, have you ever tried to get permission, organize, or participate in a fundraiser for Girl's Camp? It is a nightmare. You have to do something big, it can only be once a year (please correct me if I am wrong), it has to be in exchange for something (not just soliciting donations), and you have to strong arm people into helping. I speak from personal experience as someone who went to camp 7 times, who had to get people to buy cookbooks filled with ward recipes after having to beg them for recipes to put in the cookbooks, who had to convince people to buy homemade pizzas. What do the Scouts do? They have an individual get a calling to go around to ward meetings and straight up ask people to whip out their checkbooks and write them a check. Which people do. That tells girls and young women that the people in their ward do not value their development as much as they value the boys' and young men's development, that the limited funds of the ward and the individuals in it should be given to the boys and the young men, and that whatever is left over will have to worked for and scraped for by the girls and young women themselves.

I got angry because the unequally funded programs are also unequally recognized. I can't speak for the Primary Activity Days because I have no experience with them. However, I have never heard of an equivalent recognition night for Activity Days achievement for girls like the Cub Scout pack meetings that recognize the achievements of Cub Scouts and mark advancement through the ranks on a monthly basis. I do have personal experience with the differences between Personal Progress and Boy Scouts. I'll share the most glaring. When I was in Young Women, Personal Progress required that from the ages of 16-18 that I do multiple projects, two each year, one of which had to be specifically focused on service. Each were expected to take at least 30 hours to complete. This was on top of the other Personal Progress goals required in the previous four years for each of the, then, seven values of Young Women (Faith, Divine Nature, Individual Worth, Knowledge, Choice & Accountability, Good Works, and Integrity). Time-wise, if a young woman did Personal Progress right, it was roughly equivalent to the time required by Boy Scouts and the Laurel projects were roughly equivalent to the time required for the Eagle project. The expectations were similar, but the recognition was vastly different.

I received my Young Women's medallion the same year my over-achieving brother received his Eagle Scout. The work we had done was equivalent, his was just packed into a shorter amount of years (which you couldn't do as in Young Women when I was in it lo these many years ago). I was given my award over the pulpit in Sacrament meeting, without advance notice, on a Sunday in which both my parents were in other wards for their respective Stake callings. I didn't even think it was my place to ask that maybe the Bishop wait until a Sunday when my parents could actually be there. It wasn't something you did. You just went up when your name was called, shook the Bishop's hand, said what one of your project was, got the medallion, and sat down. It took all of 30 seconds. Now compare that with an Eagle Scout Court of Awards. The Court of Awards is a separate meeting that can include multiple Eagle Scouts or be held for one Eagle Scout. It is a night dedicated to the Eagle Scout(s). It is a special event in which people are specially and specifically invited to come recognize and celebrate the Eagle Scout(s) achievements. There are large displays of the project(s), time dedicated to ensuring that everyone have a chance to look at, understand, and comment on the project(s). There is a whole ceremony dedicated to recognizing the accomplishments and achievements of the Scout(s). My brother had the night to himself. My parents ordered a cake with an image of the award and my brother's name on it. Family members traveled to attend the event. Even though I knew that my parents loved me as much as they loved my brother and that they would have done the same for me, there wasn't the opportunity to do it. It wasn't, and isn't, done. 

I don't fixate on this discrepancy, I don't let it influence my testimony or my faith. However, it does send a clear message that the girls and young women of the Church should just get used to not being recognized, that their work, their achievements, and their progress spiritually, emotionally, physically, and intellectually is of less importance than that of their male counterparts to their families, the members of their wards, and the Church as a whole. 

And that is why I will not be donating to Friends of Scouting. And why I will definitely be supporting my ward's Young Women's fundraiser this spring, even if it is only two cents.

Faith and Optimism

The posts on this blog are absolutely no reflection of the amount of times I think "I should blog about that." Rather, it is a reflection of how busy I am, since the only times I have to sit and write are times when it seems like a much better idea to be sleeping. Every time I finish a project, I think I will have so much time to do other things. I thought this fall would be a breeze compared to the summer of long property management hours, teaching summer school, moving out of my apartment, and family events. Apparently nature DOES abhor a vacuum, because my days continue to be filled with Things That Must Be Done. So, the following is a talk I was asked to give two weeks ago. People have asked for copies, so I figured there might be something worth sharing. 

I was asked to speak on faith and optimism today. I feel that I both needed to prepare this talk and that I have been preparing for this talk for quite some time. To be utterly clear, I feel I should describe exactly what I mean when I use the words ‘faith’ and ‘optimism’. First, faith. Faith is a principle of the Gospel. It is the belief in things that are not seen, but are true. It is a principle of action, not a passive feeling. True faith is centered in and founded on Jesus Christ. It is in Him, our Savior and Redeemer, that we have hope. 

Second, optimism. Optimism is the conscious choice to look forward with hope. Or, as the Monty Python boys say, to look on the bright side of life. Optimism does NOT mean that one denies that there is a not-so-bright side of life, but rather that one acknowledges it, but chooses not to dwell in it or on it. Optimism is a choice. In a 1992 First Presidency Message, President Gordon B. Hinckley wrote 

“Of course there are times of sorrow. Of course there are hours of concern and anxiety. We all worry. But the Lord has told us to lift our hearts and rejoice. I see so many people . . . who seem never to see the sunshine, but who constantly walk with storms under cloudy skies. Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism.”

Looking on the bright side, looking forward with hope that things will work out, that problems will be overcome, and that sorrows will be turned into joy is a choice. 

The Lord himself has commanded us to look forward with hope. In Doctrine & Covenants 68:6 He commanded the Saints of the Restoration “Wherefore, be of good cheer, and do not fear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you;” At the Last Supper, He prepared His Apostles for what was to come, saying “These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” In both these, the Lord acknowledges that His followers are in rough waters of tribulation, however, He states that they should be cheerful or optimistic despite their circumstances. 

I was given this topic last Sunday, shortly before I was to teach a Primary lesson about the Nephites at the time the signs of Christ’s birth were given. As I taught the lesson, I was struck with the faith and optimism of those faithful Nephites and Lamanites who watched for the sign of the day and the night and the day without darkness in spite of those unbelievers who had promised to kill them should the sign not be given. What kind of faith and optimism must it take to stand outside watching the sun set while those who would take your life stand nearby? And how strengthening to that faith when the skies stayed light as the sun set? 

I also thought of the people of Alma. After their conversion, they were forced to flee the armies of wicked King Noah and find a new place to live. After a short time, they were conquered by the Lamanites and enslaved. Despite their situation they had faith that the Lord was mindful of them. Their faith and optimism was rewarded, not with immediate freedom, but with a lightening of their burdens and an easing of their bondage. Their freedom came later, also by miraculous means, but their faith did not waiver, nor did their optimism. 

Esther standing at the king’s door, Ruth gleaning in the fields of Boaz, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego at the door of the fiery furnace, Daniel at the mouth of the lion’s den, Martha and Mary at the tomb of their brother Lazarus, all show an example of faith and optimism in the face of sorrows, tribulations, and adversity. The scriptures are full of examples of individuals or groups of people confronting impossible, tragic, or terrifying situations with faith and optimism 

So, the big question is: How do we develop the faith and optimism like the Nephites, the people of Alma, like Martha and Mary, Esther and Ruth? First, we must understand exactly in whom and in what we have faith. We have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, in His Atonement, and in the love, mercy, and goodness of our gracious Heavenly Father. We have faith that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ we can be saved, that we can have eternal life. We have faith that our loving Heavenly Father has a plan for our lives and that that plan will bring far greater joy and rejoicing than any plan we could create for our lives. Our faith does not include the expectation that life should be easy, but rather that the difficult moments, days, weeks, months, and years can be swallowed up in the joy of the Gospel. We can receive comfort in the moment and look forward to the joys of eternity. Isaiah 51:3 promises 

“For the Lord shall comfort Zion: he will comfort all her waste places; and he will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness shall be found therein, thanksgiving and the voice of melody.

We are not alone in our struggles. Just as Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego were not alone in the fiery furnace and Daniel was not alone in the lion’s den, we have the promise of the Holy Ghost as a comforter to bring us peace, guidance, and inspiration in difficult times. We have the promise of consolation and compensation. In his October 2008 conference address, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin spoke on the principle of compensation, stating: 

“The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude. . . . Because Heavenly Father is merciful, a principle of compensation prevails.”

President Thomas S. Monson gave a talk in the April 2009 General Conference entitled “Be of Good Cheer.” In the talk he told stories of those who had been examples of faith and finding joy in the gospel in the face of debilitating trials. The individual stories are heartbreaking and I can’t even think of them without tearing up, so I won’t tell them. However, President Monson concluded his message, saying: 

“I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather, though the rains may pour down upon us, our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our Savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments. There will be nothing in this world that can defeat us.”

We have the Lord on our side. We can face whatever life has in store for us with the knowledge that He will be with us. 

So, how do we put this into practice? Nearly a year ago, while I was sitting in sacrament meeting listening to a very lovely talk, I was constantly distracted by thoughts about finding joy and maintaining faith in Jesus Christ during difficult times. This was not the topic on which the speaker was speaking, but the thoughts were so concrete, so organized, and so forceful that I finally realized that it probably wasn’t just my mind wandering and I should probably write it down. So I did. And until I was asked to give this talk, I haven’t really shared or revisited what I wrote. However, these are practical, everyday things that I have learned we can do to shore up our faith and find joy in spite of adversity. 

First, admit and acknowledge to yourself, to others, and to the Lord that the trial, adversity, or situation is difficult. It is no good to your mental health, no use to others, and a significant detriment to your relationship with your Savior and your Heavenly Father to go about pretending that everything is perfectly fine. Being optimistic does not mean, as Elder Wirthlin pointed out “that we suppress discouragement or deny the reality of pain . . .” or “smother unpleasant truths beneath a cloak of pretended happiness.” To truly exercise faith we need to be honest about the difficulty of our struggles without wallowing in them. 

Second, in order to avoid wallowing in our trials or the self-pity they may engender, we need to pray to our Heavenly Father. We need to pray for consolation and hope. Ask for the strength needed to make it through the trial. Sometimes that means praying for the strength to get out of bed, the strength to answer one more phone call, the strength to read the same picture book for the 600th time, or the strength to make a new friend. But most of all we need to pray for the strength to look forward with hope. We also need to pray to be able to maintain an eternal perspective. We need to pray to be reminded that this life is but a moment, that, as the Lord told Joseph Smith in Doctrine & Covenants section 121:7 that “thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a moment.;” and in 122:7 that “all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.” 

Third, we need to forget ourselves and get to work. Do what it is that you can to improve a situation then turn it over to the Lord. Once you have done all you can for yourself, look around you and start serving others. Isaiah 58:10 states: “And if thou draw out thy soul to the hungry and satisfy the afflicted soul; then shall thy light rise in obscurity, and thy darkness be as the noonday;” When we serve others we forget our problems, our burdens are lightened, and the guidance and enlightenment of the Holy Ghost more widely and deeply felt. 

Fourth, Be grateful. It is easy in the midst of trial to focus so intently on the difficulty and what is lacking that we forget how truly blessed we are. We need to be grateful for the gospel, for our knowledge of and access to the Atonement, and for all the Lord has given us. Just as it is easy to continue listing the hardships and deficiencies in life once you get started, it is equally easy to continue listing all the blessings and beauties of life once you get started. A grateful heart is a light and unburdened heart.

 I’m sure we all have or shortly will have reasons to put these things into practice in our lives. But, we can look forward in faith, with optimism, that everything is going to work out. As President Monson said in his 2009 conference talk “My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.”

Talks referenced: President Gordon B. Hinckley, "If Thou Art Faithful"; Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Come What May and Love It"; President Thomas S. Monson, "Be of Good Cheer"

I No Longer Feel Like Hibernating All Day, Every Day.

Spring has sprung, sort of, in Bellingham. The sun actually shone for 3 whole days in a row, which feels like nirvana after never-ending months of rain and unseasonable cold. That is one excuse for not blogging, as nothing was happening AT ALL, because I was either grudgingly at work or curled up under a blanket. Although I had lots of pertinent half-thoughts and suppositions that could have been turned into a thoughtful blog if I had taken any time to write them down. My second excuse is that I've been busy. I've been juggling working at the property management company and substitute teaching, sometimes both in one day, and by the time those days are over, I am brain dead or punch drunk, neither of which are particularly useful for blogging.

The state of non-blogging would continue if it weren't for a promise I made to myself (and requests by supportive people in my life) to post some pictures. See, a little over a year ago I was facing the prospect of having buy new clothes in a larger size, which is the worst possible reason ever to have to go shopping. Also, people were posting pictures and tagging me on Facebook and I hated every single one and only my pride at not being vain (yeah, I know it makes little sense, but stick with me) kept me from untagging myself in them. The pièce de résistance of this unholy collection was this:

This is not a flattering picture. I think if Angelina Jolie were slouched like that it would not be a flattering picture for her, and she has the same girth as a young birch tree. However, it wasn't the only picture taken from the summer of 2010 that told me there was a problem. Here I am at my brother's graduation from UW that same year:

Something had to be done. It didn't happen until I finished my student teaching and felt I actually had time and energy to do something. So, March 2011, I joined Weight Watchers. And miraculously, I stuck with it. The first 30lbs dropped off in five months, but I decided I wasn't going to celebrate it in any public way or write about it until I had dropped 40lbs. Which took the next seven-and-a-half months. But, yesterday, I finally managed to lose 40lbs. Here is me today, in my new Easter dress (which is actually coral, not pink, despite what it may look like in the picture, lest you think I've lost my mind and embraced pink as a thing).

I still have a ways to go, but I feel like I've accomplished something. I'm happier and healthier and, oddly, less concerned with how I look and what people think of me. The most unexpected part is how much more spiritually healthy I feel. I hear those horrible voices in my head that question my worth a lot less. Not because I am a smaller size, but because I have accomplished something through hard work, because I'm taking care of and loving my body, not hating it. 

As I sat in church today, listening to and pondering Easter messages and teaching my eight and nine year-olds in Primary about the resurrection of Jesus Christ, it struck me how integral our physical bodies are to our spiritual well-being. As a woman who spent the better part of the last 20 years both obsessed with fashion magazines and struggling with weight issues, I became increasingly disassociated from my body. It was something I didn't want to deal with or think about but spent quite a bit of mental and emotional energy doing both. The mindset I was stuck in kept me from moving forward and weighed me down. As I've become physically lighter, I've also become mentally, emotionally, and spiritually lighter. As I shed pounds, I also started to shed other unhealthy things in my life that had no relation to my weight. And isn't that what Easter is about; the opportunity to shed the unhealthy, the bad, the sinful, the dark, the sorrowful, and the failings and frailties of human nature and through the Atonement of Jesus Christ become better than we were and be perfected in Him. It is the opportunity to become lighter and lighter until we are filled with light. I hope we all take the opportunity to shed something that is dragging us down and to move forward lighter and brighter than we were before.

The Review I Promised On Facebook, Even Though A Lot Of It Is About Me

Often reviews become more about the reviewer than about what is being reviewed, possibly because a review is based in the individual’s response to the work. This review of The New York Regional Mormon Singles Halloween Dance by Elna Baker is one of those. I can’t find a way to separate my thoughts about the book from my thoughts about me. So I apologize in advance, since I’m sure you came looking for my opinions about the book and are probably going to end up with a long, self-referential collection of random thoughts.

First and foremost, Ms. Baker is an excellent storyteller. If you haven’t heard them before, go straight to her website and listen to “The Fortune Cookie Story” and “Babies Buying Babies.” The former had me laughing so hard I cried and I fully intend on making my future students read and/or listen to the latter. In fact, I think every person in the United States should read/listen to “Babies Buying Babies” but I won’t tell you why, since that would kind of ruin the impact of the story. Anyway, storytelling is one of Ms. Baker’s strengths and it is apparent in her memoir. She weaves together past and present, childhood and adulthood together quite effectively. She engages the reader (i.e. me) with a voice that is simultaneously familiar and unique. If you are looking for a collection of well-crafted stories, you’ll enjoy this book.

I enjoyed this book, but it also made me a little uneasy. It took me a while to pinpoint the source, partly because I always experience a bit of general discomfort when reading memoirs – in the entering and exploring of a different life and way of thinking. More than that, however, was the fact that she was discussing our shared religion very openly and frankly on a national stage. I am a little sensitive about the pressure that comes with being part of the LDS faith. Not overly sensitive – I generally dismiss pop culture references and actually liked the storyline with the LDS character on House (although I sincerely wish that writers would do actual research about the religion and the Church before writing). But I do have issues with individuals who talk about being LDS and then act in a way that is completely opposite to the doctrines of the religion, like that girl on The Real World lo those many years ago (was it really 10? How time flies!). Ms. Baker’s memoir falls somewhere in between. I can respect that someone struggles with his or her faith and with aspects of a religion’s cultural traditions that can, at times, seem oppressive. But I also can’t deny there isn’t a part of me that wishes Ms. Baker hadn’t been quite so open and frank about her struggle. Obviously I don’t want to promote a false image of perfection or mindless compliance, but there is that moment of cringing every so often when I think about how a reader unfamiliar with our religion and faith will interpret what he or she is reading. Mostly because I don’t know how I’m interpreting what I’m reading. There is plenty to consider in Ms. Baker’s book, but here is what struck me the most.

My Disappearing Act

It was pointed out to me the other day that I haven't posted here for a month and a half. Which is completely not like me. Since I started this blog 4 years ago, I haven't been absent for such long periods of time. The first reason is that between graduate school and being the Relief Society President I don't have a lot of time, period. The second reason being that this term is kicking my trash. Despite taking fewer credits and not having a practicum I can barely keep up. I'm taking two history classes for my actual endorsement and they have 100+ pages of reading a week. On top of that are my Assessment and Social Studies Methods classes which require me to create unit and lesson plans, which is by far the most difficult task I have faced so far in the program, especially the part where I have to do it without a set a curriculum to base them on. And on top of all of that are all the various responsibilities of my calling. And the fact that my classes are quite spread out, meaning I don't have large chunks of time to settle into homework, only an hour here or there during the day. Which means I probably won't be back for another month and a half until finals are over and I am free for three weeks. I hope all your lives are less stressful and more fun! See you in December.

So, Yeah.

Heather guessed correctly on my last post. I am now the Relief Society President of my ward. Which is a full-time calling on top of a full class load and I'm a little freaked out about doing it all. But I do know the Lord will bless me and that this calling was inspired. I have been really blessed these past few years, even though they were the hardest years of my life and  I know that He watches out for me and that He will provide a way for me to accomplish everything. However, it does mean I will have to dedicate my time to my calling and that I might not have a lot of time for my own personal pursuits. I might not be here as often as I would like, but I do plan on keeping this up as much as possible. I have several more crazy things going on in my life right now, but those stories will have to wait for a bit.

Bad Flashbacks To Nursery

So, two of the wards in our stake put on a performance of The Forgotten Carols. Did they invite the young single adults to join them? Not so much. They invited us to run the children's rooms they provided so the adults could enjoy the performance in peace. Which is fine. I volunteered, I went and I had a fine time. But as much as I hate to label children, some of them were hellions. And as the performance stretched past 8:30 pm ALL the children became tired, cranky, stinky, and/or obnoxious. There were a pair of sisters who wouldn't stop crying for their mom who, in fairness to her, warned us that they might and told us to come get her if they didn't. And then disappeared into a darkened gym. Good times. By 9 o'clock I had changed a stinky diaper, dealt with a hysterical little girl's bloody lip after she ran into another kid, and wiped countless snotty noses. I don't regret volunteering, but I would like to say it made me feel WAY better about being single and childless at this moment. A lot better. To the point of being smugly self-satisfied as I watched parents bundle up their crying children and exhaustedly walk them out of the nursery rooms. Then I walked out to my car to find it in full-on Point-of-the-Mountain-Utah-blowing-vertical-snow-blizzard mode. And I, unlike the children, and the other YSAs who were making snow angels, was not amused. It took me 25 minutes to get home. It usually takes me 5. Good thing church doesn't start until 11 am tomorrow.

Drumroll Please . . .

I am now the Education Counselor in my ward Relief Society. As if I didn't have enough on my plate already! I'm sure you all were breathlessly waiting for that announcement. Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

In Which I Hear the Alsatians Baying at the Door

I was born in 1978 which means, for those of you non-math people, that I will be turning 30 this year. Luckily it isn't until the autumn, but it is still looming. I've decided I'm okay with turning 30, as there isn't much of an alternative. What I am not okay with is where I am at in my life. I am a glorified office slave at a job with very little upward potential. And even if there were, I'm quite sure I wouldn't want to stay. I live with my dad in the home I grew up in. It is pretty much the exact same place I was ten years ago. I do have a Bachelor's degree, which at this point is fairly useless. I do have plans, but starting school again doesn't seem very glamorous. Which is part of the reason I cooked up the England trip. All of this is redundant to my loyal readers. But it needed to be restated to emphasize the state of mind I ended up in after this weekend.

This weekend was our Stake Conference (for those not fluent in LDSpeak, a 'stake' is a regional grouping of multiple congregations. I believe it is similar to a diocese, but I'm not certain. Stake Conference is a meeting or meetings of this regional unit and happens twice a year.) and a fairly exciting one, as the current Stake Presidency was being released and a new one called. The Saturday night session had six speakers, three of which spoke on strengthening marriage and family, one in particular on how the Book of Mormon could improve a couple's relationship. Which is great for the 98% of the congregation that are married couples. But for me the 45 minute block filled by these speakers was long. I tried not to be annoyed, as I was the minority and the minority shouldn't dictate events. But by the third speaker I was so ready to be done.

Part of my impatience had to do with a conversation I had previously. I ran into an old friend who I hadn't seen in some time and we took a few minutes to catch-up. The following is an inexact transcript of part of our conversation:

Friend: So, how is your dad doing?

Scully: Okay. Next month is my mom's birthday, but he is planning on going to the temple that day, which is good.

Friend: Yeah, that is always good. How long has it been?

Scully: Since the beginning of June.

Friend: Oh, so not even a year yet.

Scully: No.

Friend: Because my sister has a friend who is going through a divorce. Her ex was abusive every way but physically. She needs a good man in her life.

Scully: . . .

Friend: I just thought, you know. . . . She has red hair. She has seven kids, but only one at home. She just really deserves a good man, you know.

Scully: I don't think my dad is quite at that point yet. Um, I should get going. We should get together sometime.

Now, I'm a worst-case scenario person and I have thought about my dad remarrying. Not right away mind, but at some point. And I can honestly say I'm okay with the idea. I might be less sanguine about it if it becomes more than an hypothetical, but it isn't something I have Catherine Earnshaw Linton level hysterics about. The thought that did stop me in my tracks was the thought that my father could get re-married before I even get a date. Here was a well-meaning woman I respect all ready to line my father up and my last date was almost a year ago. Yikes. I don't think I'm the bitter type. I managed fairly well when my younger brother, Mime, got married and I like to think I'm nothing but supportive with my friends. But the idea that my recently-widowed father could find love and marriage a second time before I find it for the first time (stalking FBLers doesn't count) was more than I could handle.

I Am An Old Crone

Inspired by Miss Parker, I decided to attend my local LDS Institute. Seeing as how we are a small rural farm town, we have one class every Tuesday night. Last week was book club, so this was my first week. This evening was no easier on my self-esteem than that one. As everyone filed in to the room, I realized I was older than most of these people by a decade. A DECADE! The classroom was full of recent high school graduates and boys waiting to go on their missions. There was maybe one or two girls who were returned missionaries, so maybe the age difference was more like 6 years, but still. Also, I realized that the irreverant Six Million Dollar Man joke (in my defense, he did say "he can rebuild you" which reflexively triggered the rest of the opening monologue) that went through my head when the teacher was giving a spiritual thought from President Hinckley about being rebuilt like a building that has been destroyed through repentence and the Atonement would have only made sense to the teacher. The show was actually before my time, but I remember watching reruns. These people wouldn't even have seen reruns of The Cosby Show, let alone the original run. I will be going back to Institute, but I think I'll slip in late and skip the intro by the class president that drove me insane. I had to fight the urge to shush everyone like I do the Young Women on Sundays.

Things That Suck, Part Infinity

• Being put in charge of the AP/AR at work. I HATE dealing with that stuff.

• Being the one my Visiting Teaching Supervisor calls to guilt-trip about not visiting the women on my list. Honestly, it has been a wretched, insanely busy summer. Call the other woman and guilt-trip her.

• Proofing the design for my parents' headstone. Seeing the dates makes it real in a way I'm not ready to deal with yet.

Black Cats, Beautiful Brits, Bridal Showers, Baby Showers, and Mental Breakdowns

I realized it has been nearly a week since I last wrote. The week has been average, same-old, same-old. The only difference was the sense of rising panic that I wasn't enough. Since my mother died I have been trying to keep things up. Keep the house up, keep the yard up, keep my father's spirits up, keep my spirits up, keep both of us getting up walking in the mornings (5am is so early!) keeping appearances up, so the ghoulish mother and son who lost their husband and father a year ago won't keep intrusively asking us how we are doing and then reiterating How. Hard. It. Is. every single Sunday morning as we walk into church. (Also, I get the psychostalker vibe from the mother, as in she thinks I should befriend her son, who is clearly inappropriate in age, activity, and so many other ways it isn't even funny.) Basically I have been trying to keep everything afloat. And falling very, very short.

Lately I have felt I just don't have the answers. I don't have the answer to when I want to eat dinner, I don't have the answer as to why the waffles didn't work, and I don't have any answers about remodeling. I have no answers at work. I have no answer to ChattyCathy's repetitive questions about why she can't get past her two-timing toolbag of an ex. I have no answers as to why I keep making indexing mistakes. I have no answer as to why I can't remember all the procedures for recording or why a legal description disappeared between the Treasurer's office and the Auditor's office, thus insuring we have to re-record the transaction. I have no answers in my personal life. I have no answer to give at bridal showers or baby showers when people start talking about or giving advice about sex or breastfeeding and then look at me all apologetic or startled since I am the only single person in the group and have never experienced either, like I shouldn't be hearing the conversation. The best I can do is excuse myself and hope I'm not being rude and leaving too early.

So Sunday morning, far too early in the morning, I was attempting to make my mother's recipe for roast and had to go out to the freezer in the garage for a roast, I was confronted with a neighbor's cat, a cat who acts more like a dog, who has been increasingly lonely since her owner has been in and out of town for the past several weeks. She was just lonely and wanted someone to show her some affection, but I had none. I almost shouted "I can't help you! I don't have any answers!" and slammed the screen door shut before she could get into the house. Of course I proceeded to feel guilty about it all day because one shouldn't take all one's frustrations out on a poor, lonely animal.

I managed to get dinner ready, my lesson finished, and myself dressed in time to get to church. I coldly ignored the Ghoulish Duo's inviting smiles and sat down. I had to teach a lesson on the importance of the Sacrament later, but instead of contemplating it and the lesson, I managed to have another minor breakdown, totally unrelated to anything, about how I would die alone and subsequently eaten by Alsatians. Then I threw an internal temper tantrum because I DO NOT want to wait until I'm 50 to marry some widower, even if he is an Apostle. It was basically a Vercua Salt "I want It NOW!" moment combined with complete and utter hopelessness. Which means that I was NOT in the mood to go help in Nursery, which I had forgotten I volunteered for until the Nursery leader called at 9 o'clock Saturday night and I was definitely NOT in the mood to discuss whether the spots on a little boy's face was eczema or something contagious. I definitely did NOT have the Spirit with me while teaching my girls about the Sacrament. Which meant that, combined with the fact that most of the girls had just returned from a three-day long pioneer trek the afternoon before and totally exhausted, the lesson was a complete and utter disaster.

So I did the only thing one can do after a morning like that and slept for 4 hours. Which meant I definitely couldn't sleep and thus stayed up watching the PBS Mystery! presentation of Miss Marple: Nemesis followed by finally getting around to the DVDs of North & South that Esperanza and Miss Nemesis both strongly recommended. I had to turn it off after the first hour, otherwise I would have been up ALL night. There is nothing better than a beautiful, fictional, British man simmering with proper pride, rectitude, and repressed desire. It is a magnificent drug. Although the last lines of Episode One almost sent me back to tears. Here they are for your reading pleasure. I have no idea if they are in the actual book, as my local library doesn't actually have the book. I will have to request it.

I wish I could tell you, Edith, how lonely I am, how cold and harsh it is here. Everywhere there is conflict and unkindness. I think God has forsaken this place. I believe I've seen hell. It's white. It's snow white.

Sunday School Is NOT A Confessional

Seriously. There is a young woman at church who shares a large part of her life story every time she raises her hand to comment, which she does quite often. Today she volunteered that despite being an outwardly 'bubbly' person, she is tormented by depression and suicidal thoughts. She took two or three minutes to thoroughly describe the extent of her situation. It made everyone extraordinarily uncomfortable. And kind of ruined the lesson, which was about emotional self-sufficiency.

Three Cheers for Swedish Fish

As most of you faithful readers know, I am trying to eat healthy and get down to fighting weight. I really have changed a lot of my eating habits, due both to my digestive system pitching in and declaring all dairy products verboten and to some willpower on my part. But one of the things I haven't yet been able to totally give up is Swedish Fish. There is nothing like a couple of those lovely red pieces of gelatin to take the edge off the chaos. And yesterday and today have been filled with chaos.

Chaos can be good and bad. Today is full of bad chaos. With my boss on vacation, and my uber-boss at HQ for the week, I apparently am supposed to know everything and act way above my pay grade as both Boss and Uber-boss. This morning, if one more person had stood by my desk and expected whatever arcane information they needed to flow unrestrained directly from my brain, I would have had to punch someone. Or something. Throwing my computer monitor through the window seemed a good option, but I don't think I'm strong enough to get the momentum needed to achieve such a feat.

Yesterday was good chaos. I think. I was sitting in my first church meeting, which was the women's Relief Society meeting, minding my own business when one of the leaders of the congregation tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to leave the meeting and speak privately with him. Seeing as how the woman conducting the meeting had just announced I would be giving the closing prayer after singing the closing hymn, I was a little confused and politely asked if we could wait until I was done saying the closing prayer. So after the meeting adjourned, I had a conversation with this leader, culminating in my being invited to teach a Sunday School class. I accepted the invitation and then went to my next church meeting. Halfway through the meeting, the same man sat down beside me and whispered that there was a slight problem. Apparently, the women in charge of Relief Society had wanted me to teach the Relief Society class and were panicked and asking that I be univited to teach Sunday School and invited to teach Relief Society. The poor leader sitting beside me wanted to know if I could do both. I don't know if he didn't want to disappoint me in changing the class I would be teaching, but really, I would much rather they just put me where they need me, rather than do double duty. And I'm sure the poor people who would have to sit through two classes from me in a row would feel the same. Finally we settled on my teaching Relief Society regularly and filling in as a substitute Sunday School teacher. While both jobs seem a bit overwhelming, it is nice to feel needed.

Even if they did ask me to substitute teach Sunday School on the Sunday I'll be teaching my first Relief Society class. I think I need another Swedish Fish.

Happy Little Accidents

Yesterday I woke up at 10:30 a.m., which seems like a very nice thing to do on a Sunday morning, but my ward starts at 9:00 a.m. I had forgotten to set my alarm the night before. So I decided it would be fine to go to another ward I used to attend that meets at 1:00 p.m. During the meeting a young man led an obviously disabled man to the stand. This young man usually brought several disabled individuals to this ward every Sunday, but this level of participation was unusual. The young man introduced himself and the other man and stated that this individual was autistic and didn’t communicate through the spoken word well, but that he loved music and wished to express his testimony through song. What followed was the most beautiful rendition of O Come All Ye Faithful I have ever heard. The man had a clear, clean voice but it was more than that. He had love in his voice and the spirit of his message touched every one of the 400+ congregants. I doubt there was a dry eye in the room. Love flowed out of and through every word and every note he sang, not just his love for his Savior, but also the Lord’s love for him. I have never been so happy to have overslept.