Stuff Happened

'Tis a while since I posted anything to my blog, which means this will probably be a quick run down of stuff until I disappear again into my random busyness. Quite a bit has been going on, I just haven't felt much like talking about it until tonight, mostly through laziness, if truth be told. Also, there isn't a unifying thread or connection between anything other that it is my life, so welcome to my disjointed life.

In March I was sick of the dwindling amount of clothing in my closet that I could actually fit into, so I joined Weight Watchers. It is a surprisingly easy and flexible system and since a) I am paying for it and b) the computer does all my thinking, I follow it. In the last seventeen weeks I've managed to lose 25lbs. Which is on the awesome side, as I can wear much more of my wardrobe now and have even had to buy new jeans. Which is actually a huge chore I do not feel like repeating anytime soon, but is better than accidentally pantsing oneself in public.

This spring I learned that I did not grow out of my childhood response to hospitals of faintness and nausea when I nearly passed out in my niece's hospital room after she had surgery. For future reference, I do not do well in hospitals and will be happy to help out in any other way and at any other location. Which means I will be serving some other function when my niece has another surgery in August.

In June I managed to get my Master's paper finished and turned in and I officially graduated. Although it is again with a degree in a field that is shrinking job-wise. So, good times. I did have an interview with the school I student taught at, but they went with someone with several years of experience. It was pretty disheartening and sent me into a spiral of thinking I will be relegated (again) to hated office jobs. Also, I now have no idea where I will be in August. I might just end up an old spinster living in my brother's basement because I am working minimum wage jobs and trying to pay off student loans I racked up for a degree I am (again) not able to use. This is not a happy place to be, mentally, but it is where I am. Also, writing cover letters is of the devil. This requirement for a job fills me with angst and loathing directly proportional to how much I actually want the job. Pressure equals writing block and I end up stymied and racing down a depressing spiral of psychological torment imagining all the ways I am not qualified for the position and how hysterical the HR people will find my cover letter and resume. I realize this is toxic headspace, but I'm not sure how to get out of it.

This headspace is not helped by the fact I found a summer job at a property management company. While the people who work in the office are lovely and nice, there is at least one person each day who feels it necessary to be horrid. Which is ridiculous, because being horrid removes any incentive on my part to help them. Sadly, these people have learned that if one is awful enough, people will give in just to stop having to deal with one. Blech. But hey, I have a pay check for the first time in three years and an opportunity to save some money for the impending payment of student loans.

Finally, the loss of weight mentioned above has highlighted another piece of my life with which I am not entirely happy. While lots of women have commented on my appearance and been complimentary, it has done nothing with regard to male interest in me. Ever since I hit puberty and started realizing I looked nothing like what everyone said was beautiful, I thought if I would only lose weight, I would get dates. I thought that what was holding me back was being fat. Apparently it isn't the only thing. I'm not finished losing weight, but the magnitude of the physical changes only underscore the lack of change in my social life. Sometimes I wish I had a male friend close enough to just sit down and ask what is so off-putting or repellant about me and then take that information and decide what was worth working on and what wasn't. There are things I'm not going to change. I'm not going to be less opinionated, I'm not going to act less intelligent, or in any way pretend to be less than. But there are some things I could work on. I think. I hope.

Obsessions and Overthinking

As you may have noticed from the massive quote on my sidebar, I have been reading Alexander McCall Smith. I started reading The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency in February as a way to pass the time. I loved the unfamiliar setting (Botswana) and the wonderfully drawn Precious Ramotswe, the first lady detective in Botswana's capital city. I plowed through the first three books in the series in a matter of weeks (the fourth is on my floor waiting to be started), finding them at a fantastic local used bookshop. In addition to the endearing characters and fascinating setting, I was drawn to McCall Smith's writing. Despite being a detective and dealing with some of the ugly sides of the human experience, there is something so joyful and enjoyable about Mma Ramotswe and her life. I wanted to read more of McCall's writing, so I picked up The Sunday Philosophy Club at my public library. While this series is set a continent away in Edinburgh, Scotland and focuses on a privileged philosopher and editor of the Review of Applied Ethics who gets involved in solving others' problems and mysteries out of a sense of what she calls 'moral obligation, the same spirit inhabited the books. As I was reading, I finally found the adjective to describe McCall Smith's writing: gentle. 

What I love about these books is the consideration and gentleness with which McCall Smith treats his characters and their lives. Even though the two women that lead the two series are often dealing with humanity's individual and collective faults, frailties, and foibles, the ugliness is not passed onto the reader. In most of the cases, the characters involved are treated with respect, compassion, and the recognition that no one is perfect and everyone messes up. To give forgiveness to others is a duty because the main characters (and we the readers) need it too. I feel this is missing from the majority of modern fiction and life in general. Like the quote on the sidebar states, we have lost something as a society. We are assertive, aggressive, and constantly in one another's face. That takes its toll. If we could remember kindness, compassion, understanding, and forgiveness we could all benefit. I love that his writing reflects that in such a subtle and un-didactic way.

While I relish The No. 1 Ladies' Detective Agency series for transporting me to a far-off land and a life completely different from my own, I derive a much deeper pleasure from The Sunday Philosophy Club series and its heroine, Isabel Dalhousie. In Isabel I feel I have found a kindred spirit. A reserved woman who overthinks everything and, under the weight of her sense of moral obligation, feels an enormous amount of self-doubt and guilt. She is imperfect, self-sacrificing to a fault, prone to long inner monologues about what is the right way to act, and long inner debates over the discrepancy between what she wants to do and what she should do. Because of this she tends to not say what she feels and do what is best for others. This is how she ends up shouldering the burden of others' problems. Additionally, she has the endearing habit of exploring topics thoroughly, long after her conversational partners have tired of the subject. And she has a flair for making random and difficult-to-follow connections that lead to charming, if confusing, non sequiturs. While I'm not in my early forties nor in love with a man a decade younger than myself who is also my niece's ex-boyfriend (my niece is not nearly old enough for such things, nor will she be when I am 42. Thankfully), I do recognize the overthinking, the self-doubt, the guilt, the inner monologues and dialogues, the cluttered conversing, and the unspoken want for the wrong person (even if he is quite fantastic in his own way). It is rare for me to find such a kindred spirit in books. There are always things I can relate to in my favorite books, but I don't usually find such integral things that we have in common. The only other two I can think of right now are Elinor Dashwood and Anne Elliot who, while wonderful, are over two centuries old. I could use a modern compatriot. 

Sometimes Good Things Can Happen

I spent a fair bit of time bemoaning the fact I couldn't see The King's Speech because of an R-rating due to a scene of repeated profanity ostensibly used to loosen the King up during therapy. Well, it turns out the powers that be re-edited it, muted the profanity, and resubmitted it for a new rating. Ta-da - The LA Times is saying the re-edit got a PG-13 rating and will be re-released soon. Good times. See you Colin Firth fans at the theater!

A Random Collection Of Thoughts On This Notorious 'Holiday'

My distaste for Valentine's Day started long ago when I was forced to endure decorations that assumed that pink and red matched, when in reality they clash rather horribly. Especially the bubble gum pink that was all the rage in my childhood known as 'the 80s.' Also, I hated being forced to give Valentine's to everyone and rather wished we didn't have to give them at all. If they are forced they mean less than nothing and are, therefore, worth nothing. Which is a long way of saying Valentine's Day and I parted ways in elementary school. There are a few good things about it, like all the 50%-off chocolate in grocery stores on the 15th and those candy hearts that taste like sweetened Pepto Bismol. I also thoroughly enjoyed the tradition my roommates and I started in which we dressed in black, wore black nail polish and loads of eyeliner and then went to class at BYU. Watching everyone silently freak out and put on their I'm-totally-not-judging-you-but-you-are-a-total-freak face was fantastic. Good times.

Not good times: the combination of middle schoolers, cheap candy, and a day devoted to hormones. Seriously a crazy day. It was much harder to refrain from flicking them in the nose like disobedient puppies than it usually is. I feel that we should just observe President's Day on the 14th of February every year instead of try to hold classes. It would make everyone's lives (except possibly parents' lives) easier.

As I have stated in many past posts, I have a decades-long addiction to fashion magazines. That I am a fan of the website Go Fug Yourself should be no surprise, as the women in charge are witty and charming. A few years ago they started attending and blogging about spring Fashion Week. Always amusing, just gossipy enough, and an interesting preview of what I'll find in my InStyle next month, I look forward to their excursions into the world of fashion. While I don't always agree with their assessments of outfits, I do share their undying admiration of Victoria Beckham. The more I read about her (and I really want to get ahold of her books someday) or see her in interviews the more I like her. Her designs are equally likable. Most fashion seems impossible off the runway, especially if you are not built like emaciated gazelle, but when you look at her collections, one can imagine that the dresses she designs could be a) worn in real life off the runway and 2) worn by normal-sized women. Which makes her aces in my book.

Finally, if you haven't yet seen the movie RED, go do that. Tonight. Not because it is an excellent movie or is in any way important. See it because it is a ridiculous movie and it knows it and it revels in it. Which made me giggle. Also, Helen Mirren is fantastic. And I personally believe that Karl Urban decided his character had decided his entire work persona would be an impersonation of Brad Pitt. Enjoy!

It Hardly Seems Fair

I've been gone for a long time, which I assume means no one is reading this anymore. My absence has mostly been due to the insanity that is student teaching, as I was very, very busy. Also, I haven't figured out how to talk/write about my experiences in a way that I feel protects everyone involved. Although I will say that every single night (and sometimes during my naps) I have had a dream about the school and the students I worked with, which is completely annoying. It feels like I'm at work when I sleep and I wake up all fuzzy and uncertain about what I should be doing. Anyway, still processing the whole student teaching experience. Love teaching, not sure what to say about it. But that isn't what I really want to discuss.

What I really want to do is whine. Intellectually, I know that life is hard, the struggle is integral to our growth, yada. But that doesn't make it easy. And, frankly, I feel that what my family went through with my mom should preclude us from any more suffering. Again, intellectually I understand that isn't how the world works, but it doesn't stop me from throwing an internal temper tantrum when I find out my 2 and 1/2 year-old niece might have to have open-heart surgery. Because of who I am, I generally only imagine worst-case scenarios and nothing about the words 'open,' 'heart,' and 'surgery' inspire much confidence in best-case scenarios. So, yes, it hardly seems fair that my adorable little niece might have to have major surgery. We shouldn't have to go through this again.


Edited to Add: My niece has Atrial Septal Defect, which isn't uncommon and is fairly routine as pediatric heart conditions go. Her hole is pretty big, which means catheterization might be off the table, hence open-heart surgery.